Lovers or Best Friends?
I seem to have read several articles about the difficulty of being friends with the opposite sex. I read them with interest, because I have very good male friends who were lovers, but I have never had a friend who became a lover – must be some comment on my EQSQ balance.
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However, I do think that there is always recognition that at the very least your friend is not of the same sex – and even just a flicker of sexual interest, unless he is gay. I hadn’t really thought about this until a few years ago when I became very good friends with two men who were not very obviously gay. There was a certain chemistry missing – not the instant attraction type chemistry, but a more subtle one of summing up the possibilities.
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I really enjoy my male friends. They are restful in that they don’t want to know all the details about your emotional life, but on the other hand they can be very useful too when I have problems understanding my lover. They also tend to shed a more systemic light on my activities – a good thing for me as I have a very strong systemic side to my character too.
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I find that they also want to talk about emotions because they have very few opportunities to discuss these matters without making it personal. I realize that many men who have the capacity to be emotionally intelligent find it difficult to develop the skills necessary to put this into practice. They do not become skilled at communication of emotions, and find it difficult to be self-analytical without the discussion of these topics with other people.
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Actually the whole EQSQ thing comes into these friendships – maybe I should get them to take psychology tests before I commit to a friendship.Â
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June 5th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Like you, I’ve always had a number of male friends with whom I was never involved (and kept as male friends those I had been involved with). I like my male friends, the gay male friends and the straight male friends. But when I think about it, other than the gay male friends, my male friends have always been those I would never find attractive.
A number of years ago, I met a couple who have become good friends of mine. I liked them both, but I definitely felt more common interests and better enjoyed the conversation with the guy. But as it often happens, when couples meet couples, or singles meet couples, the men get ‘paired off’ and the women do. I feel I made a mistake here, and while I like my (female) friend a good deal, I always feel a disconnect there, and I honestly don’t much enjoy our conversations. She feels like a family member to me: I feel close to her, but not much in common. Her husband, like me, enjoys talking politics, religion, history, with shared cynicism. There’s no physical attraction either way, just good old talk. It’s unfortunate that friendships often follow these ‘gender rules,’ although I must admit I’m not sure how I’d feel about my own partner having great friendships with females he has much in common, and just might find attractive.
June 22nd, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Tee hee….the reason that the societal structures work that way is explained all in that last sentence of yours. And no, it’s not that anyone designed them that way, it’s just that that sort of, well, actually, the best word for it is “jealousy”, is hard wired into almost everyone and their relationships. Part and parcel of being human.